Dear RDC friends ~ In August, we sponsored a “Tall Tales Contest” wherein the winner earned a his & hers Annie Oakley fragrance set purchased from the Cherokee Trading Post. The competition was enjoyable, and we decided to award the runner-up a gift from the trading post as well. Then Red Dirt Kelly went to China…and to a conference…and we’re FINALLY publishing these Tall Tales! We’d like to thank every one who participated in writing these fun little stories. We have a penchant for Tall Tales around here, and are so glad our reader friends do too. Special congratulations goes to Robert Stemmons, the author of our winning essay, and Mary Bone, author of the runner-up essay. Enjoy! ~
A Fish Tale Whopper
by Robert Stemmons, aka “The Whistler”
Just earlier today I was fishing with a buddy. We hadn’t caught much except for one small one (by him) and three or four state records and one national, by me. Even after all that fishing success, however, I was feeling a bit down because of my weight.
I whined a bit to my buddy about it and he promptly asked me how tall I was. I told him, “I am five feet and seven inches.” Immediately he began informing me of notable individuals who share the same height as me. People like Tom Cruise, Robert Downey Jr., Bo Diddley, Salvador Dali, Kirstie Alley, Julie Andrews, Kim Basinger, Halle Berry, Kurt Cobain, Amelia Earhart, Emilio Estevez, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Jane Fonda, Audrey Hepburn, Angelina Jolie, Al Pacino, Ross Perot, Regis Philbin, and Oprah Winfrey topped his list.
Somehow his well intended and fascinating information just did not make me feel better. “A lot of those folks were also overweight and some are even dead,” I complained.
Just at that moment I got a bite like none I have ever had. I hooked it and it took until day after tomorrow to bring it in.
I am happily now holding the new world record for any fish taken in my area: a five foot seven inch fishy fish. And the best part?…I worked all my extra weight off reeling it in!
When Big Crow Came to Town
by Mary Bone
One day I heard a loud pecking noise on top of the house. I looked out the window and saw the largest black crow that I had ever seen standing in in front of my window.
I gathered my children together and filled their backpacks with food,snacks and water. In the mean-time the phone was ringing off the wall and my children were getting upset. The town’s emergencysiren went off and outside my window I could see people running in every direction.
I answered the phone and a policeman said, “Sit tight, the crow is is at your house now and we can’t shoot at him because people are everywhere. Don’t panic. Go to your bathroom and get everyone into the tub. He just about has a hole pecked through your roof. We will wait outside your door until all of these people get by and then we will shoot him.”
I decided to take matters in my own hands and I found a microphone and started yelling up at the bird, because I could see his head now, coming through my living room.
I yelled,”What are you doing Mr.Crow?!”
The crow replied, “I was told by a younger group of crows that you and others like you have been making bad jokes about us such as, ‘Birdie,birdie in the sky, dropped some whitewash in my eye. I didn’t laugh, I didn’t cry, I’m just glad that cows don’t fly.’ Did you recently tell this to one of your friends?”
“Yes, I did.” I replied, “But you’ve got to admit it was funny.”
“Not to me it wasn’t.” replied the crow. He continued pecking and I heard some shots outside. The bird said, “Well, I am getting out of here,but don’t let me get wind of any more bad jokes! ” The giant bird flew away before the police could shoot him.
I didn’t know if my insurance would cover a giant bird pecking my roof in. When I called them they said that they would send someone out and tally up the damage. I needed a new roof anyway.
Later when my husband came home, I just summed up the situation in one sentence: “Such is the pecking order of birds.”