by Michael Mitchell
As we get started here again at the beginning of another new year, a lot of folks I know have made New Year’s resolutions. I have a few things on my list of goals for the year, but technically none of them really qualify as resolutions. In order to help me feel better about my general lack of New Year’s resolutions, I offer the following list of Old Man resolutions; things I would like to be, say, or do when I am an old man. For the purposes of this post, I am defining an old man as someone in his mid to late 80’s.
Without any further ado, when I’m an old man:
- I will carry candy in my pockets to give to kids at the grocery store and at church. Who knows what society will be like by the time I’m an old man… maybe I’ll need to stick to doing this at church.
- I will wear bib overalls with nothing under them a large majority of the time. Obviously when special occasions call for it, such as the ones listed above, I will change my attire. However, I’ve always thought there’d be something really freeing about spending my days wearing a pair of bib overalls with nothing under them. Unfortunately this is a luxury of the old… but I’m willing to wait.
- I will be really nice to some people and really mean to others. I will be extremely inconsistent with this one and make a sport out of trying to be obnoxiously rude and overly kind to the same people multiple times each day. I know this will throw people off, but I will get a good kick out of watching how they react. This would never fly today, but when I’m an old man, people will probably just take it and think to themselves, “Bless his heart.” or “He comes from a different time.” This too is a luxury of the old.
- I will offer my advice on life to anyone and everyone who will listen and even those who won’t.
- I will start a lot of sentences with the phrase, “Back in my day…” Who am I kidding, I already do this now. I hope to get worse and worse as time goes by.
- I will drive down the street with my windows rolled down listening to gangsta rap, or whatever’s the equivalent of gangsta rap in 2061. I plan to give “they see me rollin” and “catch me ridin dirty” entirely new meanings at that time.
- I will use Facebook and YouTube and Twitter prolifically. Admittedly, I realize these three services might not be around still when I’m an old man, but that’s not the point. The point is that I commit now to becoming adept at some current technology that seems (because of my age) a bit out of my grasp. At parties and family get togethers, people will comment, “Grandpa Michael sure does love the YouTubes. Did you see the video he posted yesterday of himself wearing bib overalls and handing out candy in the grocery store?”
- I will call younger men brochacho, broseph, bromigo, and occasionally brojangles. I don’t know how you feel about this one, but I would immediately have a lot of love and respect for any man in his 80’s or older who called me by one of those terms of endearment.
- I will fist bump. People may talk about me behind my back for this one. They may say smirk and say to themselves, “Bless his heart. He comes from a different time. He’s still so stuck in the 2000’s.” but I don’t care.
- I will walk around the men’s locker room at my local YMCA wearing nothing. I’ve seen older dudes doing this before. Admittedly, I always find it a bit unsettling at first, but honestly… I’m just impressed they’re still coming to the gym and working out in their 80’s. I say wear that nakedness like the proud badge of honor that it is old brotha.
- I will get people’s names wrong on purpose and see how long it takes them to correct me and/or whether they correct me at all. This is just fun and plays to the side of my personality that enjoys the occasional social experiment and the awkward interactions that follow.
- If by some off chance I happen to outlive the lovely and talented wife, I will regularly and harmlessly flirt with women half my age. If one of these 1/2 my age 40 year old women happens to respond to my flirting, I will turn every topic that comes up in our conversation back to a story about my late wife.
- I will no longer wear sunscreen. I’ve always hated the way that crap feels on my skin, and if I make it to 80 the last thing I’m going to worry about is death by skin cancer.
- I will have a dog that appears older than I am, but that (in reality) is just really lazy. Preferably said dog will have long droopy ears and eyelids that hang way down over his eyes. I will call him Hound Dog.
I realize it’s awfully presumptuous for me to assume I’ll even live to see my 80’s. I’ve been to nursing homes before, and let’s be candid here… there are just not a lot of old 6’4″ dudes walking around those places. Being tall may have its perks, but when it comes to longevity of life, I think the short guys have the advantage. The term, “little old man” had to come from somewhere, didn’t it? However, if I do happen to make it to the glorious old age of 80 and beyond, these are just some of the amusing things I hope to be doing at that time. I will post a more serious list next week.
Michael Mitchell is an (almost) thirty-something dad who blogs daily tips and life lessons for dads of daughters at lifetoheryears.com. While consuming copious quantities of life from a glass that’s usually half-full, he spends the majority of his days trying to balance his efforts to be a good husband & dad, a man of God, a professional raiser of philanthropic funds, and a defender of all things awesome. On the rare occasion he’s not tied up with all of that, he enjoys fighting street gangs for local charities and stuff like that.