Tag Archives: humor

Barf Bag Throwdown: Delta Delivers, American Airlines Left on the Tarmac

A gracious traveler in the Minnesota airport allowed me to photograph his shirt for this article.

It’s election day, I’m traveling, and all of the sudden competition and sports metaphors are running through my head like Dez Bryant on an 84-yard tear to the end zone.  Here’s one of my favorite by Candy Crowley written about the 2008 presidential candidate, Fred Thompson:

Candy Crowley: “The bass haven’t been biting because Fred Thompson hasn’t been fishing with nightcrawlers. He’s been fishing with gummi worms, and the voters know it.”

Kudos to the Huff Post for putting a great list together about that particular competition.  And speaking of competitions, yesterday I walked into a doozy I didn’t even realize had commenced: the airline Barf Bag Throwdown.  Ever since my last flight to Atlanta, I guess air sickness bags have move up to a higher priority in my gray matter. Click here for 101 Uses for a Delta Airlines Barf-Bag, #93.

The contest made itself known when I decided to visit the “lavatory” (who SAYS that word?) somewhere in the air between Oklahoma City and Chicago yesterday afternoon.  Thankful I have learned to keep my camera with me WHEREVER I go, I spied this little compartment upon entering the “facilities.”

Hmmmm….an “Air Sickness Bag” compartment!

Well, all of the sudden I felt like one of those nosy people on a sitcom who begins trolling through the bathroom cabinets of the protagonist’s abode.  I had to look!  While I expected to be met with a box of bags, or a nice little neat stack of plastic-coated amenities, here’s what I found instead:

Feminine products? Check. Handi-Wipes? Check. Little bags for disposing of feminine products. Check. Barf bags? Nowhere to be found…

Well, first of all. Sympathies all around to any man who feels like he’s going to hurl, runs to the lavatory and finds THAT stack of supplies! Secondly, the air sickness bag subject had just moved to the tip-top of my gray matter and now I was curious.  I headed back to my seat and began digging.  And digging.  Then I removed the magazines and finally found my own personal barf bag in the very bottom of that oh-so-important seat-back compartment we travelers use for many more things than reading materials.  I pulled it out and heard a little deflating, “bummer-like” cartoon noise in my head: “Wah, wah, wahhhh.”

The bag was wrinkled, worn and the built-in twist-tie topper was tearing on both ends.  I thought back to my experience with Delta.  Their bags were visible, sturdy and in my distorted and biased view because I had been saved by them, the leading competitor in Kelly’s private in-her-head Barf Bag Throwdown.

I narrowed my eyes, wrinkled my nose and stuffed the offending bag back into the seat compartment making sure the tattered top was showing for someone who might need it.  Delta had fished with night crawlers, and American Airlines was just out there messing around with gummi worms.  Score one for the Atlanta-based airline, my clear winner in this unseemly battle.

My look of resolve and deep intrigue was not private, however, because as I settled back with into my seat I glanced around the cabin to find my seatmate looking at me with more than a slight air of concern.  I smiled at her, got out my book and began reading.

When I Am An Old Man (Repost: Top 25 of Year One)

Photo used by permission: from Avi Revivo {http://revivo.co.il/blog}

by Michael Mitchell

As we get started here again at the beginning of another new year, a lot of folks I know have made New Year’s resolutions. I have a few things on my list of goals for the year, but technically none of them really qualify as resolutions. In order to help me feel better about my general lack of New Year’s resolutions, I offer the following list of Old Man resolutions; things I would like to be, say, or do when I am an old man. For the purposes of this post, I am defining an old man as someone in his mid to late 80’s.

Without any further ado, when I’m an old man:

  • I will carry candy in my pockets to give to kids at the grocery store and at church. Who knows what society will be like by the time I’m an old man… maybe I’ll need to stick to doing this at church.
  • I will wear bib overalls with nothing under them a large majority of the time. Obviously when special occasions call for it, such as the ones listed above, I will change my attire. However, I’ve always thought there’d be something really freeing about spending my days wearing a pair of bib overalls with nothing under them. Unfortunately this is a luxury of the old… but I’m willing to wait.
  • I will be really nice to some people and really mean to others. I will be extremely inconsistent with this one and make a sport out of trying to be obnoxiously rude and overly kind to the same people multiple times each day. I know this will throw people off, but I will get a good kick out of watching how they react. This would never fly today, but when I’m an old man, people will probably just take it and think to themselves, “Bless his heart.” or “He comes from a different time.” This too is a luxury of the old. Continue reading When I Am An Old Man (Repost: Top 25 of Year One)

Little Green Lies: Fibbing for Budget’s Sake

**Editor’s Note: I chose this for another “Throwback Thursday” post ~ great reads from last year I’m not ready to archieve w/o one more pass. Enjoy!

I’m an honest person. In fact, I hate lying and am usually terrible at it. I’m the kind of person you should never ask “if your butt looks fat” in those jeans. While I wouldn’t be heartless about it, I’d probably say that we “can find a more flattering style.” So knowing this about myself, I was shocked and appalled by my recent behavior on a shopping trip to a local specialty store.

My friend Cristy at work has the coolest little loose leaf tea pot. I fell in love with it as she kindly made me a cup of tea one afternoon when I was feeling under the weather. So, after some internal deliberation about spending money for something that I wanted but did not necessarily need, I knew that I simply had to have one, too.

Before I went shopping, I estimated that I would probably spend about $30 on a tea pot and a couple of ounces of tea. I knew from the moment the sales clerk opened his mouth that my carefully planned budget had met its match. This guy knew more about tea and tea accessories than Bob Barry knows about Sooner football.  He was simultaneously incredibly helpful and terrifying.

I was firm on only spending a set amount in this store and he was the czar of cross selling. I picked out the tea pot and then moved on to tea. I already knew which type I wanted so I asked for two ounces. He reminded me that you ‘get a better price break if you buy four.’ I was still feeling strong at this point and stuck to my guns. “No, I’ll just start with two ounces, thank you,” I said.

Then, he threw the first curveball my way. “You’ll need a tin to store it in. Otherwise it will rot. Would you like the small one or large one?” My mind started racing. Rotten tea? Well, I can’t have that! I had no choice but to buy the tin, right? So, I weakly said, “I’ll take the small one.” Score one for the tea king. Continue reading Little Green Lies: Fibbing for Budget’s Sake

Trespassing, Tree Climbing and How Cathy’s Bra Saved Our Lives

When you grow up in the country, you’re socialized to do things a little differently than in the city.  First of all, locked doors are not the number one concern on your mind. Second, if you want to commence an activity on someone’s property such as fishing or picking up “those Bodark apples for a craft you’re doing with the Girl Scouts,” you just go knock on their door and ask.  They can say no, but usually don’t.  And, if you need to quickly cross or gain access to someone’s property then get right off again…well, it’s usually going to be fine unless there is a NO TRESPASSING sign hanging on their fence.  You’ve seen them, right? Old tires, painted with white letters, some of them dripping so much the message is slightly illegible by the time they dry.  Sometimes they read, “NO HUNTING.”  That’s a different message.  It means – “I might be okay with you walking across, but don’t shoot anything.”

Continue reading Trespassing, Tree Climbing and How Cathy’s Bra Saved Our Lives

New Years Resolutions And Why I Break Them

by Joey Rodman

About this time of year people start nagging each other to make resolutions and goals for the New Year.  Things to start, things to stop, things to do differently.  I have been asked a total of 45 times (at the time of writing this post) what my New Years resolution is.

My answer?  I don’t have any because I don’t like being a failure. *time passes…*

So, I’ve now asked my friends to tell me anonymously what they think my resolution should be and here are their replies:  Of the 13 friends who responded…

8 wrote: Stop losing your cell phone.
Okay, I’ll admit it I lose my cell phone a lot. Weekly, actually, if not more often.

I don’t think it’s my fault. First of all it’s tiny.  Second, it always falls out of my pocket and gets wedged between the couch cushions and then the battery dies and I can’t find it via sound location. Third, I just don’t care enough to keep track of it. My cell phone is my only phone.

I have no landline, so most of my friends think it should be attached to my hand at all times in case they need me. I think otherwise. I get hundreds of text messages each day; most of them are useless. If you really need me, you’ll find me. Right? Right. Besides millions of people survived in the times before cell phones and I think I can do it too.

3 wrote: Quit getting hurt.
Um… so if I could stop falling down, tripping, face-planting, sliding, etc. don’t you think I would?! Okay, I probably wouldn’t. I’m a klutz; I get it.

In addition to being a klutz I’m often distracted (mostly by my cell phone, or looking for my cell phone) so I don’t pay attention to things around me. I got a pogo stick yesterday, I don’t envision this cutting down on injuries. One of my closest friends commented: “Joey, who gave you a Pogo stick and what were they thinking?!!!!” Point taken.

Continue reading New Years Resolutions And Why I Break Them