I most definitely did not need THAT. However, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with the state of my physique. I looked in the mirror and saw a mother of two who was destined to spend her life on an ongoing quest to get back into the beautiful, pre-baby clothes that longingly called my name every time I chose my outfit from the two-sizes-bigger section of my closet. I’ve never been technically overweight, but the bottom line for me was that I wasn’t where I used to be and felt most comfortable. Yes, I was younger then. No, I hadn’t birthed two children then. None of those facts made me feel any better, however.
I was frustrated…frustrated that I was doing what I’ve always done (eating what I thought was relatively healthy meals and going to the gym) and that simply wasn’t cutting it. I told myself that I just needed to prioritize going to the gym more frequently, jog faster and work out for longer periods of time. I felt like I was living out that old adage about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
As some of you now know, I have a complicated relationship with my “Saddlebags.” They seem happy to stick around, and I want them gone. After mustering all my courage to visit the Wellness Center last week, I had to come to terms with the fact that: a) I actually committed to at least twelve one-hour training sessions; and, b) they started this morning.
True to the friendly-no-matter-how-you-slice it persona of the place, I was met with no less than three “good mornings” as I reluctantly entered the Center. Oh, and one, “Good morning, Kelly,” from Joanna who just happened to be getting to work the same time I arrived for my session. I think she secretly staked out the parking lot and entered along with me just to make sure I didn’t turn around and run away. Effective. Verrrry effective, those tactics they employ!
I descended the stairs into the basement level workout room area thinking, “I’m not going to be able to walk back up these stairs when I’m done.” I probably had about twenty more doomsday messages ready to tell myself as I neared the door, but once again, the attendant at the desk distracted me from my fear-based mantras. “Hi,” he said. “Are you here for a session?”
I stared at him for at least two or three seconds thinking, “I could just say no. I could just say, ‘Oh – nah. Just looking around.'” I opened my mouth to answer him, still uncertain of what would come out when a young man with an air of confidence, exuding Physical Fitness walked up and interjected, “Are you Kelly?”
(For “Hitting Bottom – Saddlebags First Entry, go here.) I took it as a good omen. I pulled up to the Oklahoma State University Seretean Wellness Center and standing majestically next to the entrance were trees just bursting with fall color.
I took it as a good omen because I was looking for anything to hold on to, and fall foliage would do just as well as…oh, say…the parking meter I was fumbling with. I was on my way to an appointment I had set with the coordinator of personal training. I already feared this woman and I had never even met her.
As I neared the entrance, I glanced at the wall, paused and then stopped to read:
Okay, fine. Rub it in. Use deep words, philosophically crafted to reach down into my literature loving soul and say to me things that I didn’t want to hear because they were so perfect. Ugh. Wow. Deep breath. Okay. I pulled open the door and went in.
Kip, the student attendant at the front desk, was nice, made a joke and continued to make this horrible visit as pleasant as possible. “What is wrong with you people!?” I thought. “I’m trying to be sullen and all scared here, okay?” I didn’t even have time to sit in the waiting area and get anxious. Within two minutes, Joanna was bounding up the stairs with a smile on her face as well. “Don’t look her in the eye,” I continued to tell myself. “This experience has to be bad because I’ve built it up to be – – do NOT submit to her powers.”
Everything after that moment was a blur. Joanna started asking me what my goals were, what barriers were in my life preventing me from achieving these goals, and writing what I said down. “Stop it – don’t write it down!”…I continued my panicked thinking, “If you write it down then it will be real!” She looked at me and smiled again. [Cripes! Smiles everywhere!] Some external force took over my body and made me answer her questions, made me fill out a form and sign a membership, and made me commit to twelve sessions – to be completed at least twice per week. “…And we’ll reassess your goals then…to see if you’re ready to crank it up another level to three sessions per week. You really need to exercise intensely for 150 minutes per week if you want to burn calories and get in shape….”
150 minutes per week-week-week-week-week. The words were echoing in my head like someone had played around with a sound system in the building intercom system.
I don’t even know what that means. I was looking at her but I was thinking, “Maybe if I run really fast she won’t catch me. Even in these high-heeled boots, I’ll bet I could give her a good run for the money.” Then I looked at her. She was petite, in great physical shape, was wearing one of those stop-clock watches and had a determined set to her jaw. I think her jaw was more determined than mine. I gave in…right there in my head I knew she was living what she was talking about and I needed to listen to her.
“Okay,” I replied. “I guess I’m ready to go ahead and set up my schedule. And, oh – hey, I’m writing about this experience on my blog. Would you mind if I took your picture?”
A very brief but real look of surprise and possible fear crossed her face. “A blog? Um, what kind of blog? Is it – is it local?” She hadn’t agreed to the photo yet, and all of a sudden there was a slight change in that determined jaw.
I relaxed. She was human…just like me. “Well, it’s just a group of friends and we write about different things around Oklahoma and about Red Dirt country. I wrote an entry about how I needed to get in shape and I’m going to be following up with my progress – – how things go. I’m kind of scared about it.” Then, she relaxed.
She and Kip posed, the camera flashed, and I walked out the door.
I had no idea a little tiny Canon camera could be that powerful. And, I start next Tuesday morning.
I looked at the trees as I walked out, re-read the quote on the wall, and smiled. “Okay, this is going to be horrible. And, I guess I’m okay with that,” I said to myself. Then me and my saddlebags walked back to my car and drove back to work.